These are the things I can do without

Yes, I'm listening to 'Shout' by Tears For Fears. But I actually have a list of things I can do without:

1. Dad dozing on the couch when he's supposed to drive me to the library.
2. Uncle Brent canceling Father's Day dinner at his place without actually telling us.
3. Dad acting like I'm a miserable bitch when I say something non-miserable.
4. Dad opening new containers of food (like jam) without looking through the entire fridge for an open one first.
5. Dad bitching about us 'reserving too much stuff from the library', as if we can control what comes in and when.
6. Dale (Grandpa) being such an ass, especially when we try to buy him a nice gift and he sneers about it.
7. Dale not asking what I want for a career, or asking me what activities I'm doing. I hate it when Mom had to tell him everything, because he just didn't give a shit - and he still doesn't!
8. Feeling like I'm inferior to my cousin Becca, because she got more attention when we were kids.
9. Feeling like I'm ugly, or overweight. I'm not really overweight, just a little out of shape.
10. Feeling like I have no skills.

That was a much longer list than I'd intended. oops.

I think I take things way too seriously. Nobody's perfect, obviously, but I often feel like I have to be. It just pisses me off when my aunt won't even say hi to me or my parents. What did I do to her? Nothing I can recall. She didn't even put my name on the Christmas card she gave us, just 'family'; and gave cards to my siblings. WTF?

I still don't have a clue what I want to do for a living. I haven't even worked through my GED book in about a week - I'll get back to it on Monday, though. It's bad enough that my lazy-ass brother beat me to getting a beginner's permit. It's even worse that people don't 'get' why I don't have a license. Never mind that I had dental surgery done, right?

This post is far too long, and very bitter. Oh well.

I hate feeling incompetent. I hate feeling mediocre because I'm not a carbon-copy of Becca. I'm sorry that I was homeschooled. I'm sorry that I'm an introvert. I'm sorry that I don't have a boyfriend, that I don't have a driver's license, that I don't have a career plan on a presentation board. I'M SO EFFING SORRY.

I don't think humidity agrees with me. I'm getting a killer headache, and I've got a bad temper.

In which Merenwen battles indigestion and other nuisances.

Chili and a Coke? What was I THINKING?!

Actually, the chili was kinda weak. Next time I'll put hot sauce in it and have the Pepto tablets at the ready.

Youth group was good and bad. The good news was that I got my point across about actually doing things, and we might have meetings over the summer! The bad news was that Stone was there, and was being obnoxious. I didn't walk out of the loft, though, until close to the end of the meeting when I went to see if Dad was there yet. But Stone said some stuff that I think he should have kept to himself. Private stuff. I won't say who it was about. But let's just say I'm pissed.

When I got back from youth group, I told my mom about the possibility of summer meetings. I said something like, "Stephen suggested that we have meetings over the summer..." and Mom said "No." Then I told her about how I suggested that we have the summer meetings be ever other week instead of every week. I'm so pissed that she automatically said no. What is her problem with summer meetings? Is she planning something for the summer and isn't telling me? I don't have to go to every meeting, just as many as possible! And Stephen would totally understand if I miss a meeting due to doing something with my family!!!!!

On a happier note, I think I'll try getting back into journal writing. I think I miss it. I've picked up I Capture the Castle again after a long break from it - reading it is something else I've missed. I seem to be in a reading funk - plus, I've been kicking myself because I didn't get this book at Indigo about Mary Shelley when I got my bargain books there. Damn! And I can't remember what it was called or who wrote it! I'll have to go to Indigo and see if I can find it. I like Indigo better than Chapters - even though they're the same company now, I like Indigo better because it's better ordganised.

I listened to the library's copy of Pink Floyd's The Final Cut. It's interesting. Very bitter, but interesting. I think a sound effect from one of the songs actually made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up - I was listening to the CD on headphones, so I was able to hear everything pretty clearly.

I might walk down to the library tomorrow, if I feel up to it. Today I only felt like reading. And I felt miserable earlier. But I think I'm okay now. I'm just sick of all this crap with my family. I wish my brother would call home. I wish Mom would get off my case about what I should be learning. I wish I had the courage to walk to the library by myself. I wish Grandpa wouldn't be such an ass. I wish Patti would get over herself and stop acting like a child. I wish I'd spent my childhood better. I feel like I'm running out of time.

Tuesday...

I should be doing schoolwork.

I woke up at around 8. I think my mom woke me up, because the first thing I remember is her calling down to me to come upstairs. And I got up and crashed on the loveseat with 'Space Oddity' by David Bowie stuck in my head. I don't know why it was stuck in my head. Maybe I had a dream about it.

Yesterday was.... okay. I got some Bernat Natural Blends Cashmere, or whatever it's called, because it was on clearance. I got three skeins in the 'Ocean' colourway, and Mom got some white, off-white and pink. I might make a hat out of mine. And today I found out why it's on clearance - it's discontinued.

And then we went to Indigo, where I got my own copy of Blood and Chocolate, so now I can take my time finishing it and I can take the library's copy back. Yay!

Then when we got back, Dad wanted me to leave the spare room because he was going to deflate the air mattress. And he was going to shove my chair under the desk again, which is, well, bad, because when I tried to pull it out, it was forced under the desk. So I told him not to. And he told me he had to move it. And I told him I'd take it downstairs. And, in a nutshell, we started screaming at each other. I got grounded from the computer for the rest of the day and sent to my room. And then I had to apologize to him and turn my computer off. At first I listened to music sans headphones, because my headphones are starting to die now, so I tried to put electrical tape on my headphones, but I couldn't get it to work for me, so I just listened to music with my headphones on, sans tape. And I read Blood and Chocolate. While eating my chocolate eggs.

So yeah. Yesterday was good and bad.

Today, I didn't eat breakfast, so I have to go eat soon. And I have to start some schoolwork. But I don't want to. I feel like crap because I think I've got a cold. And I want to walk to the library, but yesterday, when I told Mom I wanted to walk to the library tomorrow, she asked me why, and told me it was going to rain. Why the hell does she always discourage me from going out on my own, and yet she wants me to get out of the house more often?! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what? I really feel cheated. Nathan got to learn geometry while I had to learn fractions. He got the world history books, and I didn't. Now I have a book on the second World War out of the library, and was planning on reading it as a 'unit' or whatever, and she wants me to read Canadian History for Dummies! And Emily Carr! WTF?! I never said I wanted to read any Emily Carr. My life does not depend on me reading Emily Carr. DAMMIT, I WANT TO READ ORWELL!!!!!!! AND DICKENS!!!!

...sorry about that.

I KNOW WHY I FEEL LIKE CRAP!!! :)

It's that time of the month. Yep. THAT time.

Plus, I have a lot of items to pick up from the library, and more coming. By the time everything's in, I'll have to pick up: four CDs, two books and two DVDs. Huzzah.

I got to play a bit of Final Fantasy VIII last night, but I decided to turn it off after a bit because the weather was making the TV flicker. I don't understand why I didn't turn it off when the storm started... I guess I was too stubborn.

Justin's scarf is coming along. It's looking more like a tube than it was before.

Oh, and I got to talk to Max on MSN the other night! :D